trouble

tonight finds me wondering how exactly i would dig myself out of a deep and muddy hole, if i found myself at the bottom of a well or something. or quicksand. how would i get myself out of some shit like that?

well see. logic then interferes and i have to ask myself how the fuck i got stuck in mud in the first place. i mean. i have 20/20. shouldn't be any issues noticing pitfalls in my path over here.

that takes me back further, and then i get uncomfortable and change the subject with myself.

but oh. see how i digress?

this is me, some people think, at my best. wound like a top. just *finally* finished working but still thinking about it. with a list of things to do about a mile long and no time for introspection.

but good god. where've i got to?

and oh. oh hell no.

don't get it twisted i am not about to get all "poor me" on your ass. playing victim to some prior circumstances or pre-conditioning or poor choices or too much too short growing up. or like. what the fuck ever.





i transcend. this muck i am raking is all of my own creation and also pretty way down there. at least in enough non-practical ways that it tends to balance out quite well the metaphorical but practical and daily bullshit.

and i exercise my right to elevate my presence with attention paid to small details as often as possible.

but is that it, though? no.

this is where i raise one finger in the air and it's a lightbulb moment for me, really. i go

or!

or. alternatively.

i *could* go move somewhere and buy a small house and be a farmer. or grow vegetables in my backyard and crochet bikinis for a living and stop watching cable television. deal with literal shit to earn my keep and metaphorical shit only as desired. only as it enriches me and no more. never more.

but see. where would those nikes fit in there? or these nails?

i have to build my own jungle and find my own beach. it's not far away. not in 7 league gold sneakers.





but back to my problem. getting unstuck. that's my meditation for the night. i have to focus, children.

it isn't sweet dreams material but i'm over lullabies, a little. a lot.


*********


I want to wake up.

Good Night.