Fish in the Sea, You Know How I Feel

Spent so much time composing the setting for writing this that I plumb forgot what I was gonna write. Almost. I think.

One thing to note: this song looks like this on my ceiling when played on my new silly cheap fantastic speakers.




Yes. Most often I use them at work, to keep things active once it gets dark and starts feeling like I should be headed home.

They flash many colors. Water shoots up and all of that. If you focus hard enough, it's like taking a trip to Vegas, but only experiencing the good parts.

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean don't you know
Butterflies all havin fun, you know what I mean

I keep coming back to the analogy of shedding my skin. Because when I am uncomfortable in it, when I'm trying to get out of it? Boy howdy, am I ever uncomfortable.

But in my element and with old things left behind in the shrubs I am as nimble as whatever it is I am slinking through.

Or hiding in.

All depends on the moment.





One thing I have come to realize at thirty seven years of age is that I got where I am by doing things *in spite* of things. By absolutely *not* conforming.

And for some very long time that habit served me well. I'd go so far as to call it a survival instinct. Some superior adaptive Darwin bullshit, like my mega-small pinkie toes.

Except that the whole fucking theory breaks down in real life. It doesn't pass inspection now that I am a grown up.

Because very simply: I do not have to fight anymore. I got it. I got where I wanted to get and I have what I wanted to have.

And moving forward I hope to live up to that knowledge on a daily basis. Rebels without causes die young and don't change a whole lot of anything worth remembering.

But also. But also, and paramount:

There is just simply the resolution to be me. Whatever that happens to mean when I wake up each morning. If that's not enough for the whole wide world then I gotta just say "fuck the whole wide world".

That is not a rebellion. That is a decision.

And I can make those too, now that I'm all grown up.

Sweet Dreams and Stay Gold,

Angelina

Sleep in peace when day is done, that's what I mean