Descansos. Again.

There will only be very small clues to look back on when I want to recollect this moment in my life. It won't be easy. I have only To Do lists.

Binders full of them. Multi-colored and with various themes. Organized and completely illegible. Half completed and crossed off methodically line after line.

So maybe then again I do have clues. Just not too very much worth remembering at all.

I can tell, for instance, looking at the one I have now: 2 days ago I was on an insanely long and tedious phone call. I can tell that by the vines and hearts and scary vignettes I've drawn along the border of it.

40 minutes? Maybe an hour?

But I've no idea with whom I had it or what we discussed.

I will remember the Love Vines I drew, and the miniature creepsters in a clearing in the middle of a forest.

Those things. Those things are what I will have.

*********





Some poor and wise boy attempting to flirt with me once asked me what I'd really walk away with - spiritually speaking - if I spent a day being driven around town in a Phantom as I shopped for handbags and bento accessories and over-the-knee boots and vintage mini-dresses and fingernail polish and sneakers and perfume and legos and ostrich feathers and a thousand other frivolous things.

What would that experience leave with me that would resonate and make some sense of the open spaces I am filled with?

I was working a door in all white under a black light. I was blinding. Feeling ethereal, I cupped his face in my hands and flashed my animal eyes and teeth at him. I said this lovingly:

"A memory, booboo. A golden and shining memory. Isn't that all we ever have left of anything, anyway?"

And yeah I was a little tipsy off that ketel, but drunks and children don't lie. I kissed him on his cheek, bid him adieu and I have been thoroughly on my grind since. I still believe what I believed, a couple years later.

And I bet that kid does too.


*********


Not sure if I'm defending the way that I live right now: with so very few little moments all to myself, or applauding the sheer amount of action I have been able to pack into every waking moment.

Working or shopping. It's all a hustle.

And what would it feel like, I wonder, to just be still?

Fiddle dee dee.





*********


Working like an insane person lately. Two launches in two weeks and both are pretty massive in terms of the amount of effort going into them. And very recently I have made some mistakes. Nothing major, but just like. Not up to my personal standards.

And really the whole reason I started writing this was that I have finally realized in the midst of fucking up how much it really does not pay off to keep kicking yourself over fucking up. Yeah. Hurts in real time. No need to rehash it, you know?

It's why I don't watch the news.

It's also why tonight I feel free to release a good deal of guilt that I've been harboring for no good reason. I'm done with it. Don't get me wrong: nothing is ever not at all my fault.

But a good deal of most things are very simply human, and should be seen as such.

So with an easy conscience I bid you goodnight, fellow humans.