looking ahead

but still looking out.

if i am not mistaken i am at the precipice of two months of the kind of work that leaves me spun out and giddy. busy in my sleep. head not so firmly attached to shoulders.

i should take a moment to be calm. but here's where it gets ironic.

if the next two months ARE hellish, it's because i've won something. and winning a thing takes a lot of work. and knowing you have the chance at winning a thing doesn't always provide a person with the sleep-filled nights a person should have if a person wants to not feel a little bit outside of their body 90% of the time.

then again, knowing you don't have a chance at winning something doesn't necessarily promote healthy sleeping habits either. not with a job like mine.

so what i guess i am getting at is that this cycle is a little. well.

never-ending.

i can keep hoping that some magical week will find me both not stressed AND with nothing on my calendar 2 months in the future, which would allow me to plan a vacation without guilt.

but. yeah. not gonna happen.

a person has to put a stake in the ground. a person has to invest in their own happiness.

i'm up this late because i've just sent my last mandatory email or proposal or budget or something. up this late because i'm awaiting a delivery of Life to my doorstep.

not the magazine. the Thing.

and um yeah. that's not gonna happen either.

what exactly am i totaling my life up to, again?

i need to re-prioritize.

*********

in other news: i visited the future today and it's fucking magical. there was a pool table covered in an interactive projection that made it look like waves and ripples and wobbles of mercury when balls rolled across the table. i stood in front of a screen that sensed every movement i made and changed my point of view and the things obscuring it based on that data.

the things around the corner seem massive. enchanted. challenging.

i don't have a graceful ending for this chain of thought.

good night.