Time Travelin

Present Day

something maybe worth excavating. my actual job every day is asking for what i want. finding a million ways to say the same thing. it's a bit of alright, it's a skill that lends itself to real life in ways that other jobs just don't.

but underneath that. underneath everything else as well. well.

everything i'm feeling today as though it is brand new is actually older than the hills. you discover things in phases. sometimes you know exactly who you're calling before you know their name. depending of course on every life you've lived thus far. but that's where i get to sounding like an old eccentric and so stop myself cause that's a sign i'm in my cups.

however. it turns out there are things that are timeless. it turns out there are Constants. bless them, one and all.



CAPTAIN'S LOG, STAR DATE 03/03/03

okay. here's the thing. heart. heart trumps everything.

i cried last night. it's been ages since i've cried it seems. it was a good cry too, with shudders and sobs and spit and just tears everywhere til i didn't know where they were coming from. my body rocked and my head felt clearer afterwards. it was beautiful.

where's it coming from? i'm still not sure.

a partner in crime. someone crazy smart and talented to the point that it's eerie. someone absolutely off their fucking rocker and full of ideas and opinions and energy. someone strange and wonderful and full up with the ability to manifest. in the real world. where it counts.

and something can still be missing. something is definitely missing.

heart. heart trumps everything. meaning courage. meaning love. meaning connection to soul. when you have that you are unstoppable.

i've put so much energy into being bulletproof. since i was six or so. i carried warzone consciousness with me through my teens and on into my twenties where all of a sudden it became cool. so cool. nothing touches me. nothing shocks me. survival tactics.

but no. it's heart. can you see that? how the goal, the real work, is laying down our defenses one by one. stripping layers until we are emotionally naked.

until we're six years old again and the world is a series of open doors.

*********

This is what I was really trying to say. Clumsily and through many layers. Wednesday night. I thank you for your patience as I cycle through the same realization over and over for 8 years straight