WE'RE SO PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY

Laid myself wide open tonight. Inasmuch as I loosened up a little, thinking it would get me somewhere new, emotionally speaking. I think me laying myself out looks a bit different from another person's. It is me soaking in hot water for an hour while saying incantations, shaving my legs, painting tiger stripes on my nails. That sort of thing. An investment of my feminine wiles into finding those little keys and locks that I told you about before. And for the first hour or so I was like

Oh hell yes. So far, so good.

We watched The Filth and the Fury and I slung my bare legs over his armor and we kissed once in a while and it was.

Well.

Breathtaking.

Then very abruptly it all ended. Once upon a time I would have chalked it up to an unmentioned girlfriend, or a booty call. These days it is usually something far bigger, since that sort of thing is such a truly rare occasion for me and I don't choose like a jackass anymore.

Is there such a thing as emotional blue balls? I think that is what I'm suffering from right now.

But all in all this week hasn't let me down. Plenty of highs and lows, but mostly highs and mostly unfolding in ways that let me be who the fuck I feel like being and I consider that a blessing.

For five minutes the other day I tried to imagine having a life that meant lunch on Monday through Friday at a specific hour for a specific amount of time. I did gag a little at the thought. Really, I've nothing to complain about.

Lunch today with my Brooklyn friend brought lots of old thoughts up. We ate on Fillmore and there was hustler eye candy as far as the eye could see. I discussed giving up my grungy white guy fetish for a dope dealer fetish. I suggested this as a reasonable upgrade that wouldn't make me feel too much out of place.

I told the story about how when I was 17 a boy came to get me for a date wearing a bullet proof vest. And I WENT ON THE DATE.

I'd say I've come a long way, baby. And if all I had to do was dust off a little cash so that I could live in a loft with a view of the city I wouldn't see that as much of a downgrade. Long as I could keep my day job and not carry any weapons.

To my friend's credit, he wasn't having that. But I should tell you that I am still undecided.

Also today I went to the gym for an hour and remembered how much doper an endorphin rush is than smoking a blunt. Takes a bit more willpower to get it done but it pays and pays for the rest of the day.

Then I swirled around in pink water in my bathtub, slipped into a fetching dress and snuggled up to the dreamiest boy ever until I thought that maybe - just maybe - I'd be in the mood for more. And then.

Cut. End scene. That's a wrap.

Fiddle dee dee. Tomorrow is another day, for sure.

*********

In other news: my stupid PC is dying. I got the blue screen of death that means that at some point soon I'll have to reinstall my OS, possibly with one eye open and completely keyed like I did a million years ago when I lived on Shrader. I'd say one of the more fantastic things about being a nerd is that the thought of needing to do THAT doesn't scare me at all. What scares me is that I SHOULD just drop 3K on a new Mac like the one my work gave me. I'm pretty certain the reason my old Mac died is that I accidentally spilled an entire can of Coca Cola on it within a week of getting the motherfucker. It was brand new. I degraded it.

In other, better news: I'm preparing for a trip to SXSWi next week. Simultaneously anxious and stoked, is this little kitten. But we all know how much I do so love a good hotel stay, and the chance to interact with about a billion strangers. So it'd be fair to guess that I'll have some pretty epic stories and pics to share while I'm there. 7 whole days. I'm all a-flutter.



And also. At least tonight. A little VACANT.

Bonsoir.