Decisions, Decisions

Trying to think of reasons that I am still awake now and I'm coming up short. This is not the normal awake at 5 AM I've been having for the last few months. This is New and Exciting, cause I haven't yet made it to sleep.

And maybe I should rewind? Yeah. I should rewind.

Friday night I had an epiphany. Well maybe it was Friday at 3 AM or so. It was the last time I was awake for no reason but it sort of made sense because Thursday night I got fucked up on whiskey and by the time I got into bed I had a sincerely sore throat that I knew would only be worse when my hangover kicked in on Friday morning.

I swallowed a couple Tylenol PM. I vowed to never drink again. Again.

I woke up at two in the morning because every drunk college kid in a two mile radius likes to walk by my apartment screaming on the way home on Thursdays. My throat was on fire. My head was throbbing. My nose was all stuffy and I thought I might be on death's door but decided to wait it out. I listened to the college kids. I drank about a gallon of water. I stared into the darkness in the hallway outside my bedroom and kept my eye out for the grim reaper.

He seemed to be taking his time coming, so there was nothing left to do but Think.

I did a bit of reminiscing and realized that I hadn't gone more than 2 days without drinking since the beginning of November when work started to get really bananas on me.

I also came to the conclusion that 3% of the questionable choices I've made in the past 6 months were due to a charming optimism that I don't care to lose. 5% were due to dumb humanity that I don't think I'll shake any time soon. And a whopping 92% were due to being drunk as fuck.

And THEN I came to the conclusion that I don't like those numbers one fucking bit. And yeah maybe my reasoning stemmed from being in the midst of the after effects of a dumbass bender, but it was solid and it stuck with me.

The reaper never came. Instead I had an epic dream of storms and oceans and surfers that turned into a movie that I was watching on a stolen laptop. A dream that had a thread of reality and a full on plotline, then folded in on itself unexpectedly, then shut down just as simply as slamming a computer shut and opening my eyes to fight another day.

I fought another day. And yeah, it was a fight.

By Friday night I was tired and over it and ready to make some big decisions.

Saturday morning found me following up on those, then having a lunch that turned into a soul searching session, then trying to find the exact right outfit for greeting 500 strangers at the front door of a nightclub.

I settled on the Dragon Jumpsuit, which I just barely fit into but the fact that I did signals progress of a whole other kind. I looked poured into an hourglass. I was fucking ready.

And wouldn't you know it I made it through the whole night on three quarters of a red bull and a gang of water? Yeah. Imagine that.

Turns out that just because something is right in front of you doesn't mean you have to fucking take it. Go goddamn figure.

So maybe the reason I'm up at 5 in the morning (going on 6 now) is that I didn't give myself a reason to pass out, but I can live with that tonight. And tomorrow is another day.

There's other stuff going on right now, and it's kind of major. But I don't want to risk winding myself up thinking about it at the moment. I'm just gonna kick it and wait for sleep to happen. It's gotta happen some time, right?

Right.

Night.