The rules go:
1. Don't be explicit
2. Don't be mean
3. Use "I" statements
:)
I just used an emoticon here. I only use those at work, on myspace, in love notes. I'm in a state.
********
I've been replaced.
To be fair: I shouldn't have fucking looked for proof of that, I should have been happy just to know it.
Those are "I" statements, right?
So fucking random. Such a weird coincidence. I came home pretty much in a cloud last night, later than usual and semi-feeling myself? Random Friday night. Fucking random, is right.
The internet is stupid, unreal. It's vapor. But still: I'm so certain that my stomach hurts right now.
And you know what? It feels just like being dragged out of a delicious dream. The door slams. It's a can't get back feeling.
Exile.
I miss Preciousness, I feel like I'll never be home again.
*********
I told you, I'm in a state.
What else is new? I know I know: Bunny's being high maintenance.
In my defense: I take so long to get over a thing because I take so long to get into it, in the first place. I'm tentative because I know the nature of these things and how expectations can seal the deal. Baby steps.
Once I'm there Faith is paramount. I keep it loudly at first, then in secret. And I live by those rules for way longer than I should because once I stop I have to take stock of how my good intentions have been so misappropriated.
Anything that doesn't end in a Win. Anything that's not unmatched and absolutely pure. I have to account for all of that, once the door slams.
And so: Fuck.
Also though. I guess it's about time.
*********
Fourth start. It's the charm. I'm telling you these things because I care, and because it's the last of it. I want the courage to be absolutely vulnerable, I want you to "oooh" at what a brave little savage I am. How much I don't give a fuck and can't live without it, at the same time.
I want you to see this line I'm walking, and how fucking difficult it is for me to stay charming and honorable and live the sporting life. Play it off without writing it off. Keep it sacred, but still at arm's length.
Also though: I'm making a new life up. Day by day by day.
I keep returning to center. Do this next thing that's a good idea. Now this next thing. Now another. I think about how I'm making history for myself, right now.
And in a week or so I guess that's what I'll call all of this.
7...
Night.
hey. you ARE a brave little savage and there's nothing high maintenance about grief and recovery.
ReplyDeletei don't know the details or whatever but in general i usually find that yeah, people who do everything with an eye for virtue take the most time to get in to it and get out of it, whatever 'it' may be. and often while we are busy unravelling all our honour and all our incredulity and all our attempts to understand how the FUCK that just happened between human beings or where the hell that came from, we get fucked over or just plain, unavoidably hurt all from some other direction or on some other day. and occasionally it seems to me like it is backasswards and counterintuitive and if we could, for just a little while, let the gaze slip from virtue to something else then maybe it would be as easy and tidy and uninvolved as it is for other people. but then, shit how could we sleep.
yes, drunk comment. but sincere.
i will come back tomorrow and engage linear processes and clarity to re-frame what i was trying to say. usually i'd hold off until such a time before posting my maiden comment but you are exceptional so i made an exception.
Little Meg, you make me feel real. If you say that, it must be true. Yay for heart-shaped parasols on this tightrope.
ReplyDeleteI got nothin'. Oh, except except - there's an African fable about the cry of a bunny, and the moral is something about how a bunny only makes one squeak its whole little life and that's when you kill it. So if you can find your voice, you're not a bunny. And if someone kills you, you will haunt the fucker's dreams.
Also, that top pic is a smokin' portrait. Spine for days on one side, fearless vulnerable face aimed directly into the camera on the other. You are the Ace of Cool even when playing solitaire.
its amazing how tough it is for people to pay respect to that heart shaped shrine
ReplyDeleteand sometimes that next hurts even worse cause its not about you, and they're not even taking into account how you got wind-ed
but other peoples actions give us the breath to do the same:
about face, Bunny, hop to a new adventure