Under My Thumb

Yawn. Seriously not getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night between the worrying and the working and the not feeling very connected to myself. Or anyone else, actually.

I mean I am. But it's by a very long string. Like a balloon, or my Yahoo mail account.

I stayed up late enough last night to catch "Honey" on Bravo and some infomercial about a hair care system that will change my fucking life. But not long enough to think that "Honey" was a good movie, or order the hair care system. I woke up at 6. I tried for 2 hours to go to sleep before giving in, cause on a Saturday at least there are naps.

I got a place to live, but now I'm not sure I want to live there. I realized a bit too late how much I'll miss my windows. Then I realized that maybe I'm hiding behind them.

Then I realized that I don't care. Then I checked out on decision making for a bit, and it's an expensive checkout. I've yet to give notice on my current place, which means paying rent on 2 spots this month. And next month too, if I don't decide soon.

Those pro/con lists that people are always making in movies and TV are actually pretty useless in real life. One thing's pro is another thing's con. It's a zero sum game.

I guess the basic tradeoff is cheap-ish rent in a place filled with sunlight and horizons out in the boondocks for pricey-ish rent in a place with no view, but more brown people and something cool to do everywhere I turn. A comic book store just a block away, but the tiniest bedroom known to man.

I can rollerskate in my current apartment. In the new place I'm closer to the rink.

Suggestions are welcome. I really need an advisor on this, as my closest friend has abandoned me to cupcake with some dude who seems like a big fucking flake and doesn't contact her consistently. Which of course is why she's got to be flakey with me. I understand the system. It's just not working in my favor right now.

It's come to this because I was raised by wolves. If I had half a family member with a solid background in decision-making I could bounce the whole thing off of them. Instead I have a therapist and a public diary. Plus sleep deprivation and a bit of depression.

Le hot. You know that makes you want to date me.

Yesterday I was in North Oakland making a left turn and this kid on the median looked so Slim Shady I had to think REALLY hard about my boyfriend to avoid pulling over to holler at him. Vainglorious, emotionally unavailable and comfortable around black men = truly my favorite kind of white guy. But I just sighed, and continued my travels.

Then last night I met my homegirl at this bar downtown and there were twenty types of fine motherfuckers in that place. The Town never ceases to amaze me that way. The DJ played Gangstarr one second and 80s classic pop the next. I drank rum but punched my weight to avoid a hangover and wrapping my Jeep. All went well.

There's more to this, but I feel sleep coming on finally. I'm tuning out and dropping in. Adieu.