And oh man. What a few days it's been.
Weeks? Week? Like I said, my concept of time has done a little changing lately. For better and worse, but I figure I am just doing some settling into The Real Me.
You see. What happened was that I started working full time when I was 17 years old. And with a good deal of moxie and a lot more blessing and good will I have kept doing so for 20 years straight. 20 fucking years. I think in those 20 years I may have seen about 6 months of unemployment? Even when everyone in my industry was floundering. I kept getting lucky, I stayed blessed.
And I worked hard. Hellllla hard. And made a gang of mistakes. Bowed and withdrawn, when I should have drawn my sword! And possibly worse: drawn my sword when I should have bowed out peacefully.
I did that for 20 years straight and started thinking to myself that it was my life, you know? 8-12 hour days, 5 day weeks, 4 week months, guilty vacations and even guilty sick days sometimes. You know the drill. Until.
Until.
Until it broke down. Until I realized that I couldn't see any further than those tiny windows of life. I looked up one day and I was deep in a forest but I didn't know which forest and I wasn't sure how I'd gotten there or even if I'd wanted to go there in the first place.
It all stopped so abruptly, but it needed to happen. I'll spare you the details, except that I cried my ass off heading home that night and straight through the night and on into sleep. And when I woke up the next day I had the puffiest eyes ever, but I also had the hugest fucking sense of relief.
The clouds had parted. Daylight was mine. No more vampire living and no more being told what to do and when and watching my essence drain away as my hands and face got paler and paler from lack of smiling and daylight. None of that. At least not for a bit.
But I've had an even better realization.
Yes. I'm in a forest and maybe I'm not quite sure where it is located. But I've set up a nice camp for myself. Cleared just enough of the wood. Made friends with the flora and fauna. Found my niches for hunting and making and hiding. And well.
I'm like Snow White in this bitch. Bunnies and squirrels and rabbits and raccoons and all manner of wild beasts are in my favor. I got birds weaving bows into my braids, these days.
Or so I like to think. And so I must think, as I am banking on myself right now. Counting on the tide. When it ebbs. When it floods. What washes up. What's left behind.
There I go mixing up my metaphors again.
My days are not exactly ALL mine, but I'm reclaiming a good lot of them. I'm dressing like a pirate more often than not, at this point. Going on walkabouts and finding treasures. For instance, I found a working Wurlitzer organ on the side of the street the other day on my way to the playground. She's gorgeous. I've named her Alabama, after free associating a bit she's 2 degrees from one of my favorite movies of all time, and strangely reminiscent of one I can't love but have lived too much to hate.
So yes. There is magic afoot. Time to reclaim some things.
Don't look ahead there's stormy weather/
Another road block in our way
But if we go, we go together/
Our hands are tied here if we stay
Oh, we said our dreams will carry us/
And if they don't fly we will run
Now we push right past to find out/
How to win what they all lost
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