Brava

A remnant of common sense checked my hand as I was on the point of ringing Rezi’s doorbell. But I know that common sense, because it is my own particular brand; it allows me, precisely one minute before fatal blunders, to enjoy the lucid pleasure of telling myself: “This is a fatal blunder.” Forewarned, I hurry on serenely towards disaster, steadied, like a ship well down in the water, by a reassuring load of total responsibility. - Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette

I posted this quote as my Facebook status before drifting off to sleep on Friday night/Saturday morning. A 3AM commitment.

I woke up at noon and tried to shake the fog. I wake up foggy a lot, lately.

I learned about Amy Winehouse. I don't recall feeling so sad about a person I have never met in a very long time.

I'd been holding out faith, see. Rather silly of me, but required. My relationship with her was sporadic, iPod flashes and trying to ignore tabloid stories about her being a hot mess. I'd try not to even read the headlines, cause I didn't feel even a little bit of the train wreck fascination that I have about other people falling to shambles.

I remember thinking

I'll click someday, and either read that she's released a new album or that she's died.

I hoped for the former but banked equally on both because I don't like disappointment.

So no. I'm not getting at any presentience or new revelations. Just that it's tragic and sad and completely understandable. I can't imagine coping with that kind of genius and that kind of crazy every day of life while being followed by assholes with cameras.

Also: Amy and Claudine and Colette and Billie and Josephine and Assata and Elaine and Angela and all of them are cut from the same cloth from which most savages are cut. It contains a very basic and ever-present thread. A code.

Making a fucked up decision that is your *own* decision is better than living someone else's life. Any day of the week.

I agree completely. And I know that sometimes it has a happy ending, too.

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This is how I remember Amy. She looks healthy here, and pretty well-steadied too.