Has Wireless Internet / Is Prepared For Anything

Comcast is always sending me disappointing people. They are late, they forget stuff in their vans, they aren't all muscular and sexy like in the porn movies.

So grown up me is all, fuck that. No way I'm wasting money on those shenanigans. I'll do it myself. I did it myself. I am inordinately proud of that fact. I am typing this in bed - I got new sheets that make it look like a chocolate raspberry truffle or something. Grown up me is not fucking around.

I'll explain to you why I'm alone in bed typing at 1 AM on a Friday night another time.

But first: inventory of a goodie bag I found while I was rearranging my living room this afternoon. I don't remember who I got this stuff for.



1. It starts out simple enough with Silly Putty
2. Water balloons - still pretty simple but I'm thinking this means it was summer when I bought all this crap?
3. Mustache wax - here's where it gets weird. I make bags like this for Alyssa at least once a year, so my first thought was that this stuff was for her. Until I seen the mustache wax. Okay so I bought this stuff for a dude? But never gave it to him! Ha! The plot thickens...
4. Handkerchief - see #3
5. Bright orange utility knife - Obvs, this is a weapon.
6. Handcuffs - word?
7. Temporary Tattoos - they are not the manly kind though. They are fairy princesses and Pegasuses and flowery hearts.
8. Star stickers - these make me think of "Boomerang" and Lela Rochon's star system. (That movie is still the shit, by the way.)
9. Paddleball - always a good gift, any time of year.
10. Key chain scale - it's getting weird again. I was perhaps sending my man off to a super shady, super femme, super festive drug deal?
11. Backstreet Boys Puzzle Stationary - DEFINITELY for me. I been wondering where this was for over a year now.
12. Gaudy bubble gum machine jewelry - perhaps when it was all said and done I was hoping to propose.