BAM

For better or worse, we learn it. Part of the unspoken contract that we keep as grownups in the mainstream world. At least to each others' faces. We do not openly insult one another.

So you could have knocked me over with a feather when some boy I've barely spent 2 hours with started straight up dissing me via text message.

It started with a poor attempt at getting me to come over and fuck him. Which. No. But he was this close, so I politely pointed out the flaws in his technique. I think that offended him because he took the fucking gloves off.

I'm not going to say that I enjoyed it. Frankly, I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing someone point out the things about myself that I detest.

I didn't enjoy it. But I found it. Refreshing.

I let him know he wasn't punching his weight, to start. At one point I even texted him, "are you sure you want to keep doing this?"

Apparently he did. Because he went harder, he got personal. Taking unflattering truths and exaggerating them, which is actually a great tactic. It brought a tear to my eye, in fact. I was so floored my responses were half-assed, but I am not one to give up in a scenario like that. Even if I'm in tears. Even if I think I may be beat.

For a second I mentally ran through my young buck rolodex wondering just who I would pay to break his kneecaps. I was nonplussed and wanted to end the whole thing efficiently.

And then, like clouds parting for a picnic, magic happened. He lost his finesse and got random. Some bullshit about how no one cares about me or likes me - I suspect he was channeling high school drama. After all, it wasn't that long ago for him.

Collecting myself, I typed and re-typed. I'd seen his weaknesses from day one, but would never have dreamed of speaking on them to hurt his feelings. It seemed almost cruel. But he asked for it.

"You're right. No one knows me and I'm not really well-liked. Which is why it's noteworthy that so many people have told me you're an awkward loser."

The old passive aggressive false agreement followed by an uncomfortable truth.

You know you've hit pay dirt with your text insult when someone - apropos of nothing - responds in all caps telling you how great and important they are at their job and how everyone else you mutually know is a nobody and a hater. I set the phone down with a smile and slept like a baby.

I almost felt bad, except I didn't. Sorry not sorry because that wasn't a lie. It actually happened. People I barely knew told me he was an awkward loser and a waste of time.

I suppose I should have listened. But then I wouldn't have this story to tell, now would I?

And the story is everything.